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I decided to have a shower to try and make myself feel a little better.As I showered I shaved myself completely, this also included my head.As I entered our changing room following my shower, with my bald headexposed and my body wrapped in a large soft bath towel I was a littlesurprised to see my old Teddy Bear 'Basil' sitting on my bed, there wasa little note attached to his chest, I read it. "I thought you mightneed an old friend to hug when you were feeling down." it was signed'S'.For the first time in a long while, I actually smiled to myself at myDaughters sweet gesture.I decided to trim and file my broken nails, I also removed my worn andchipped nail polish and left my nails bare. As I was going to have avery busy day tomorrow, I put on a simple nightshirt, took my painpills, placed a new patch on my arm and decided to go to bed. One finalthing before I fell asleep, I did something that I had been neglectingsince my diagnosis of cancer and dilated my vagina with my. What I made for myself could be boxed off three ways;Loneliness, for I never wanted anybody close in case I blurted how Ireally felt; austerity, I chose to have little so I couldn't affordwhat I shouldn't have; impermanence, so I could never grow rootsallowing me to gather more than I could carry.I travelled a lot, stretching a gap year of journeying into three yearsliving from a back pack and doing whatever work I could find acrossthree continents. I pretended enjoyment of the notion that I wasleaving no footprints, not trace of my duplicitous life. I mimedhappiness, but in reality I found this prolonged denial deeply lonely,but it wasn't until I saw myself properly in a real mirror that Irealised how hollow I'd made myself.Mirror, mirror on the wall... How often have we heard that line throughDisney and mythology? I make no claim to be the fairest of them all,but the woman I see every time I lean in to attend my make up and dressmy hair always recalls my stunned response the first.
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